| Sunday, June 14, 2009 |
| Hop, Step, Jump |
Emo alert.
The title came from Daniel's msn nickname. Something I long to do for a while.
I actually wrote something about this few days ago, but did not have the courage to put it up.
But I guess I have to come clean someday right?
So yes, my life has been going cuckoo these days, friendships shaken, perceptions stirred. Most of all, I did not recognize who I was anymore.
I faced the truth and there it was. A sense of realization.
Maybe all my problems were a subset of a bigger underlying problem.
How I stress about little things, how I fake smile to people, how I distant myself from the world.
Because nobody wants to see a sad face. They would think, is she alright? And then people talk.
On the sidenote about gossip I learnt from the movie Doubt. Pause emo mode for a sec. I love this story about gossip. Stab a knife into a pillow on the rooftop. Wind blows and the feathers from the pillow will fly with the wind and you cannot catch it back. Those feathers are gossips. You feel the excitement when gossiping but once it gets out, you can never take it back.
Okay back to my ramblings.
So I put on my mask everyday, trying to cover up my predicaments. I guess people deserve the truth, and so I set out to fix my main problem.
My knee.
My very very very very precious knee.
Cuz of this underlying huge problem, every seemingly trivial issue is escalated. I am easily irritated easily annoyed. I am always thinking of how to go from place A to place B without limping too much, or stepping on rough and uneven patches. I have to hide my pain when playing a sport or travelling. I have to wake up everyday to an uncertainty of the condition. Will my leg feel fine today? Should I wear a knee brace today?
All this got to stop. So I faced my demons, the demons I could have defeated 9 months ago. I went for an MRI check. My ACL (go google if you don't know) is torn and worst of all,
I have a 95% probability of getting a knee reconstructive surgery.
To a mathematically inclined person like me, the 95% seems evident enough.
But I am banging on the 5%. According to the doctor, my injury is so subtle that I could be one of the ''lucky'' 5% population who can scrap through a surgical prodecure and heal on my own.
I have worked so hard, for the past 3 weeks, waking up doing all sorts of stretches, eating healthily in hopes to strengthen the muscles around the knee. I have to bandage my knee and do 7 stretches everyday. Sometimes my knee will get so numb because the stretches are like gymming for 2 hours straight. Sometimes it will hurt like fk as if something just pop out. At the end, I end up so exhausted. But I have to do it. No excuse.
And yes I would be living the rest of my life with a less than perfect leg, but I rather take that chance than going under the knife at such a tender age. And if all else fails after 3 months, then I have no choice than to be one of the 95%.
It is funny how a small incident can trigger such amazing consequences. I gave up travelling plans as I spent too much on physio and medical bills. I gave up on having my ultra awesome 21st birthday bash because I am financially constrained. Few months ago, Lyon takes on all the groceries shopping because I cannot stand/walk without leg feeling weird. Pulled out from basketball for NCG because I couldn't land properly, something which I initiated. Gave up dancing because I couldn't straighten my leg. With LBD, I just tahan. Cuz I want it to be momentous. And what better night to bow out. I gave my all. And my all won't be forgotten.
I never give up. Never. But I had to.
Whether I can recover within 3 months, will determine my future. Should I still be limping, I need to go back home to undergo procedure and healing takes 3 months, so thats bye bye PR. And job hunting has to be stopped temporarily. All the things I have planned, seem minuscule and unimportant now.
Urgh this is such a stupid and unpoetic post, but believe me I cannot put it any other way, so unstructured, like my life then. My life then. Not now. I am fighting really hard now. Maybe it was meant to be, the greater power's way of slowing me down, ponder upon my life, and start over.
Maybe. Just maybe.
I don't want no one's pity, but just clarity. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone in particular during these painful months. Want to tell you that I am strong and that I will fight all the way and live again. |
| posted by WnE @ 1:25 AM |
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| Saturday, June 13, 2009 |
| Sometimes bimbo-ing is fun. |
This is in reference to the whole facebook username thing.
And yes I got what I want!!! *jumps for joy*
It is so hilarious how kiasu and bimbo-ish I can be.
I sat at my screen watching the countdown tick by then quickly as I can, chose my desired username.
Heart pumping, fingers in motion, eyes wide open. So so so hilarious. And bimbo-ishly refreshing the page. Oh shit. Cannot go toilet. Must tahan. Okay continue. HAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Lyon was laughing like madness because I actually put a reminder at the top of my desk few days ago and asked him to remind me in case I forget, which I didn't.
Funny thing is I actually called my sister to tell her about this. Apparently I caught her at the wrong time, and I went ''Emergency Emergency! CHANGE YOUR FACEBOOK USERNAME BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!''
''.........
WTH? CALL ME BECAUSE OF THIS? =.=''
Small pleasures of life when you are sitting at your desk day and night, self loaded with utter competitiveness and a pinch of bimbo-ness. Good fun while it last. :) |
| posted by WnE @ 3:01 PM |
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| Thursday, June 11, 2009 |
| Housebound |
Only came out of the house once since last Saturday to go to gym.
Shite. Talk about immobility. But at least I've got daily stretches to count on.
Exam preparation is good but could be better. Just been doing tutes and revision.
Okay now for me to be nerdy, marks prediction!
For me to maintain a distinction average when I graduate, I need 270 marks for this semester.
Risk theory. Omg. sienness. tutes tutes and more tutes. A 65 would be nice. :)
Life Con. Expect a better than Survival marks cuz this time I actually did good for mid sems, and not fail. Lols. A 65 would be sweeet. :)
Busn. I am going to go suicidal if I don't get 85 and above. Kidding about suicidal, but no joking about needing to get a HD to boost my average.
CTF. HAHA. This one must play strategy already. Aiming for high pass only. 55.
Altogether 270.
And another 270 minimum next semester. To make it 70.33 average overall.
Sigh.
Actuarial Techniques, Credibility Theory = $!@$%#!^$%!@#$!
Sure die wan lah.
55 each. That means need the other two to be 80. Walau.
Okay better continue studying to boost marks. |
| posted by WnE @ 8:46 AM |
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